THE GETTING OF WISDOM
I was on spotting and entrapment duty at one of favourite watering holes. James and Sinclair were outside with the equipment while Michael was waiting at base camp. We had only been doing this for six weeks but had already established a routine that ensured everything went smoothly. I stood ever so casually at the bar of yet another cheap out of the way nightclub. The stench of eighties electro-pop permeated the air like a whiff of Old Spice aftershave. The punters were the same old who came here on a Friday night cos they always had. I knew their type well by now and scanned them for a likely volunteer. There he was right in the corner guzzling down a pint. I profiled him. Aged thirtyish, he looked well kept but not by a girlfriend probably a mammy. A girlfriend wouldn’t let anyone go out like that?. Unless of course she hated him and that would take her out of the equation anyway? His clothes were cleaned and ironed definitely a mammy. Small and on the thin side. Height five foot four I guessedimated. He wore the kind of boots workmen wore not much brain power there and not too physical to cause any hassle. I adjusted my breast to show a bit more of my cleavage and walked over towards him. I had to ensure he fitted our wish list exactly. I decided to go to routine number six,I hurried past him and bumped into him ensuring half his pint went down his trouser legs.
I smiled at him. “Ach clumsy me I’m so sorry. Here want a cloth? Let me buy you a pint. Here’s a wet wipe.”
I had learned these techniques at a workshop we had designed around Derren Brown and his mind control techniques .One of these was called information bombing and destined to confuse. I think the pints he had consumed before helped too.
He looked at me trying to suss out the answers to all the questions taking the napkins I proffered out of my handbag.
“Don’t worry I’m fine, no harm done eh? Just as well it’s Friday I only change my shirt once a week.”
I smiled back at him while looking at his teeth. Great it looked as if he needed some work done. Even a cursory glance showed a moderate level of dental decay something we could handle. Tonight was going to be a fruitful night.
“Let me at least buy you a drink, what’s your poison? My name’s Clare, what’s yours?”
He seemed surprised I was even talking to him. In the usual compatibility stakes we both knew I was way out of his league. However social conventions dictate that if you spill someone’s drink you buy him another. All the usual social nuances had to be adhered too.
“Stevie” he said. “Awright Clare just get me a pint of heavy, thanks” He said.
I went to the bar and while waiting to be served texted Sinclair.
“Am In here with a volunteer. Text Michael and tell him to get ready.”
“GR8 CU 30 mins?” he texted back.
After I’d been served I put in the premed just enough to make him susceptible and ready to go along with us. Of course he would remember none of this later. Sinclair’s sophisticated pharmaceuticals would take care of that. The time window was limited now. I had twenty minutes to do a risk assessment and get him into James car before the medication took affect.
I walked over and noticed he was sitting at a table. I was aware that other men were looking at me and him. Not in that well done mate envy they would address to the mate but more of who the fuck is that lucky bastard. Good this wasn’t his local I thought then. Sitting down suited me best and right under a lamp where I could look more closely at his teeth. I couldn’t have designed it better myself.
I smiled and put the pint in front of him.
“Sorry again I said. I leaned forward. “but at least it gave me the chance to talk to you. I hadn’t noticed you before.”
He blushed and took a sip of his pint. Good he didn’t notice anything. It was meant to be tasteless but we have had to abort as couple of the volunteers thought their drink was off.
“This is only the second I’ve I’ve been in here Clare. I just started work round the corner on Monday.”
I smiled back while looking inside his mouth. Perfect two distial amalgams that needed replacement that would do for tonight. This was the part of the operation I least enjoyed. I was (nearly) a medical professional after all. Of course I felt a little guilt but then I reminded myself that was was guerilla dentistry we were doing this man a favour treating him for free. Alright technically it could be described as illegal administration of controlled substances and kidnap but we hadn’t been caught yet.
I spent the next fifteen minutes checking how much he had drunk, a very brief medical history and observing him for signs the pre med had started to begin. Twelve minutes in I noticed his pupils were dilated, his speech was slurred. Time to make a suggestive remark. He was right for the picking.
“Stevie” I said as modestly as possible. “I don’t really know you, I’m not this type of girl but do you fancy coming back to mine for a coffee? Just the one mind. Maybe you could stay the night?”
He looked at me and giggled then shrugged his shoulders.”
That was one side affect of the pre med it freed the volunteers from any social inhibitions and thoughts of repercussions.
“Get you’re coat Clare doll yiv pulled.”
I took my mobile out of my pocket. “Stevie my flatmates are giving me a lift home. It’s just they worry, is that okay?”
“Course it is doll. Anything you want.”
I escorted him outside where James and Sinclair were waiting and opened the door for him. He stumbled into the back. I sat beside him
I introduced them. “Stevie this is James and Sinclair.”
“Hello” said Stevie. “pleashed to…” followed by giggles and a slight snore.
I checked to see that he was asleep. He was fast asleep. Gentle rhythmic breathing and strong regular pulse. Good.
“Tonight Gentlemen we are going to perform two distial amalgam fillings. Uncomplicated easy fifty minutes top. Sinclair are you performing tonight.
“Aye” said Sinclair. Fitzpatrick will be pleased. He was moaning about my practical experience last week again. Dad had to talk to him it is not my fault I don’t get enough practice is it?” He was right.I mean we live in the West with some of the worst teeth in the Industrial world and we weren’t allowed to practice on real people?
James snorted. “your dentistry maybe. Well you need to get seventy five percent before you’re let lose on people. Think of this as extra curricular experience.”
We had partied hard at Dental School scraping by in everything but good times and debauchery. We were all in the same tutorial. all from the same school and used to mum and dad bailing us out. They couldn’t help now though. It wasn’t as if the dental school had a PTA. It wasn’t until final year that the new head of department Prof Fitzpatrick has started a new rule. Only students who got more than ninety percent would be allowed to practice under supervision at the dental hospital. We four financially supported by mummy and daddy decided we would do a public service bring guerilla dentistry to Glasgow til we had improved enough to be unleashed on willing patients.
We knew it would take exactly twenty minutes to get to Michaels’s. His father’s practice was part of their house.Michael’s mother and father were never home at the weekends. The stress of dealing with so many people in pain meant they retreated to their country cottage where they entertained themselves with their shared passion ornithology. Rumour has it that Michael’s dad engages in some interesting bird watching of his own but who were we to judge.
When we arrived Michael met us with a wheelchair which we carried the still sleeping Stevie into. The amount of pre med we had given him was enough to ensure he was happy and content. We might have given him a consent form to chop off his head and he would have signed. Once inside we got him into he chair and Michael administered the anaesthetic pulling down into a deeper sleep. Sinclair in a text book manner drilled his teeth and prepared the filling.
James as always did his marathon routine. “Is it safe yet”.
Right on cue we laughed.”Perfect” said Sinclair. “Have a look.” we were impressed. We patted Sinclair on the back. Michael set up the camera while we posed with our latest volunteer who would thank us if he ever knew. It was time to put this latest operation to bed. Michael stayed to clean up. While James, Sinclair and I got Stevie into the car still sound asleep. Unfortunately our flat was on the fourth floor. We were accustomed to hulking our volunteers up stairs it got easier all the time. That’s why we picked small ones. James undressed him leaving on his underpants he obviously hadn’t expected to pull. He had Christmas Homer Simpson boxers on. Sinclair found his mobile phone and found as predicted mum no other female name. He sent a text saying he would be home in the morning. After all we didn’t want his family to worry
It was four am we estimated he would waken at eight thirty once the anaesthetic had worn off. We sipped wine and watched the first two hostel films. We laughed. They were so over the top. At 7.30 I put on my night dress and slipped into bed pretending to sleep. At nine thirty minutes after expected he stirred. Turned onto his back and said “Oh Shit”. I turned and brushed my hand on his back. And said “Morning Stevie.”
He turned round looked at me and blushed. Jesus Christ. What am I doing Here.”
I tickled his tummy as I would a grateful pet. “Don’t you remember? I know you were a bit drink but you were so good.”
“Was I?” “I can’t remember a thing I have a sore head and my mouth.
Just the alcohol” I said. “Listen I’m sorry I have to go to work in an hour sorry to chuck you out.” I purred. “I just don’t do this sort of thing but thanks”
Seeing that he was considering kissing me, I got out of bed and brought him a cup of tea. I came back and started putting on clothes. “I’ll give you a lift.”
It was a personal best. Volunteer awake and out of the house put on a bus in sixty five minutes .He’d be none the wiser and thanks to auto suggestion would think he had one of the best night of sex of his life,another successful mission and a volunteer who should be chuffed with the money we had saved him. They should do this on the NHS but anyhow I had some ideas for my PHD…